my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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