i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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