Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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