Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
