You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
