Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
