You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
