I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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