He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
