I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
