Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
