So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
