"it" just moved
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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