I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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