Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
3pm strippers are depressing
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize