btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
