i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
