I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
