She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
