I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
