I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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