You really coming over, don't trick.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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