know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize