Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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