ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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