maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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