Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
