I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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