The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
