When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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