Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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