she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
