I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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