just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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