Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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