Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize