i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
