i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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