I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
