So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
