went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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