i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
