Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
