i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
