the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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