Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think I won the penis lottery.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
