I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
