So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
