watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
