His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
