we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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