Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
