do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
