note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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