I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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